I Feel Bad...

Thursday macam biasa ada Gymboree class. Sebabkan minggu lepas Z terlalu amazing, minggu ni mama put higher expectation on Z’s behavior. Too ambitious! Akibatnya bila Z melalak selepas setengah jam, mama jadi sangat keciwa :(. Mama x de lah marah Z, but at the same time mama ignored Z’s demand for attention. Selalunya mama pujuk Z baik2, cuddling2 kalau Z melalak.. Instead mama paksa jugak Z join the class, which end up make things worst :(. At the end mama just grab Z and left early (10 mins before class finish). Mama memang sangat2 disappointed masa tu. Mama rasa mama dah berusaha bersungguh2 untuk membantu Z. in those short period, I just didn’t see why Z don’t want to cooperate.. Z nak cuddle2 pun mama malas nak layan.. terus call cab nak balik jer.. dalam cab Z tertidur sambil sedu sedan…

Bila Z dah tido, and suasana kembali tenteram, barulah mama realized what went wrong. Z MENGANTUK! that’s why he was cranky. Malam sebelum tu dia tido lambat, and paginya mama kejutkan awal sebab nak pergi sekolah awal (ambitious!). sampai 15 minits early, Z dah excited and merayap2 seluruh kelas dah. Mama pun excited, terus put him on slides and stairs. Half of his energy gone by the time class started. Lepas introduction n nyanyi2 tu lah baru dia start cranky.. mama pula expect him to be ok throughout the class, so mama buat2 x paham jer bila Z nampak dah penat. Masa tu mama memang keciwa sangat. Mama betul2 berharap Z akan enjoy sampai habis kelas. Mama tak faham kenapa Z menangis. Kenapa last week ok, this week tak ok pulak. Mama keciwa sebab mama rasa Z still having anxiety. Strangers anxiety yg dah berbulan2 mama berusaha untuk ubati :(. 

Look how happy he was in the beginning.. and how upset he was at the end.. Sorry sayang..

Sigh.. mama mintak maaf sayang.. when I look back of what happened yesterday, I realized you actually have overcome most of your anxiety (if not all). that’s actually a very huge steps already. Masa sampai semalam pun, Z sebenarnya dah berani explore the place alone by himself. Z dah berani layan cikgunya yg suka ketawa berdekah2 tu. Z juga ok when other children arrived. So, its not really the ‘strangers anxiety’. He just tired. He need a rest. And mama has punished you by not giving you attention and comfort you looking for.. :(

Memang padanlah muka mama bila sampai rumah, Z dah tak mahu sayang n cuddle mama.. walaupun dah berkali2 mama minta maaf. Z merajuk. Mesti hati Z terluka. Mama sepatutnya be the one who understand him the most. But I failed yesterday. And I broke your heart. And I am terribly sorry…

Nasib baik lah bila dah malam, Z dah maafkan mama.. Z dah sayang mama ketat2 macam selalu.. ahhhh.. I love you soo much baby *hugggss**