Dilema berterusan..

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After I made up my mind last week (of not doing part time), this morning my boss comes up with a better offer. Aiseymen…! Dilema jadinya. I really love doing what I am doing now, but I love Z more. And that’s the reason why I ask for the 15 hr work before. But when my boss told me that I have to work on different area (diff job, diff team, different boss), it totally put me off. So after a lot of thinking (sampai keluar jerawat 3 ketul!!), I told him NO, and I just want to be a SAHM for the 2 years.

But today, after discussing with other managers and also HR, my boss told me that I could work 15hr perweek on my current position - because they just approved budget for a new staff and (half) me! He said he wont give up on me, they still want to use my experience/expertise even only for 15 hrs per week. Wow! Macam mana nih. And even better, I could work half day (4 half day per week) if I want to which is good in term of my work distribution. The best part is, Z could be in creche/playschool in the morning and Yvonne will be there 3 morning, so only Thursday morning jer Z will be alone in creche. Tgh hari mama balik keje boleh ambik Z. I got extra income, and I don’t have to worry finding a new crèche (walaupun I don’t like their service, but it was better than sending Z to new crèche I suppose (due to his anxiety)..) or even a new home (we are planning to move a bit further from town, because its cheaper).

So how?? I have until Friday to give the answer..

Z will be in school in the morning at least until June (July-Aug cuti sekolah) then Sept he will start preschool. That will be every morning. Apa mama nak buat di rumah tiap2 pagi kalau tak kerja? Although I have plan to do a lot of thing with Z (setting up Z’s homework, blab la bla), but I think after a few month, I might get fed up. Otak berkarat! Or maybe I can be like those goddess mom/wife (in my dream)..

Hmmm… but.. July/Aug is school holiday. Cikgu Yvonne pun cuti. So Z will still be in crèche ‘alone’ in the morning if I work. I hate to think that he was there alone. Sigh.. macam mana nih.. And I actually already planted in my mind that I dont have to go to work for the next 2 years. And I kinda like the idea of being a full time housewife and spending a lot of time with Z.

But.. macam rugi jer kalau mama tolak. With those extra money, mama can buy a lot of therapy/learning aids for Z. Semalam mama dok survey2 specialneeds items, mama macam risau jugak sebenarnya thinking that we couldn’t afford those in next 2 years.. Memang ler papa could afford us, but nak spend more tu tak boleh la. Basic private therapy n supplements tu insyaAllah boleh cover.. tapi nak spend extra for all those equipments & gadget agak payah kot.. Stem cell lagi..

But again, after I make some calculation, money wise yes there’s some extra money left, but not that much considering we still have to pay for creche. Is it enough to justify with the time that I lost? Memang le kerja pagi jer, but then balik keje of course penat. Nak kemas2.. nak masak2 lagi.. so how much time left for Z? We might have the best equipment, tapi kalau tak digunakan dengan persistence.. no result. Tu belum masuk bab stress kerja lagi. Pastu cuti pun kurang (keje half time, cuti pun tinggal half jer la) Kalau Z punya appointment pagi, dah kena ambik cuti. Nak balik Msia lagi.. Nak pegi holiday lagi. N paling risau kalau Z unwell, pastu cuti dah habis. Camno?

Or maybe if I work 2 full day per week could work out better? I’ll have 3 extra full day with Z no? Z will still be alone in creche 2 afternoon per week, but I think having 3 days in a row is worth much more than having 4 afternoon + 1 full day? What happen when Z start pre-school in September then? Z will have to go to school 5 mornings, will giraffe accept if we oly send him 2 full days + 3 half days? Kena find out lah. if not, maybe we should move him to other school then.. 

This is not just about me. This is about what I could provide the best for Z. Win some, lose some.. Arggghh.. nanti balik discuss dgn papa dan menteri2 pasola semula la.. 

Afternoon Update: Bumped to my previous manager on her way out just now, she told me she heard the news from my manager, and she is delighted with my decision and will support it all the way.. :). 

Thank you D. I knew it was you! 

When my manager said he approves the 15hr work after discussion with 'other managers', I get it straight away that it must be my previous boss yang approved it. Eventhough D is not my manager anymore, her position is still higher than my current manager (she is the vice CFO and one of the most important person in our institution). She also thinks it is better if I accept the 15 hr offer. She has a special needs son as well, and for her, work is the only thing that make her feels insane. Otherwise everything is just about her son. She hopes the new arrangement will work well for me n Z. 

Before we finish our conversation, D give a pat on my back and say, 'next time if you have problem, you know you can always come to me directly ;)'. It does make me in tears actually. The truth is, only people in similar path with you could really understand your situation. I really admire her. Hopefully I can be as succesfull as her one day :) I am not a kiss ass type of staff, and I just want to do it the right way, thats why I didnt go through her. Plus I do have options, I know my entitlements, so whatever the decision is I am okay with it.. :) But this time, maybe the decision is a YES to the 15hr work.. 

Its amazing how people perception could change. My relationship with D didnt start well AT ALL in the beginning. Will story about that in future. But it does teach me that people could change. Our perception on people always being deceived until we know them personally.. Thank you Allah for this opportunity..

(Well I also know that it might be hell working on 2 days per week, sure ada aje yang tak puas hati with this arrangement. keje 3 hari seminggu dulu pun macam nak pecah kepala. But it is what it is.. If it doesnt break you, it suppose to make you stronger right?)